Employee AND Parent?
One
parent tells her story about finding a balance between the demands
of work and family while caring for children with emotional and
behavioral difficulties.
I am a 47-year-old
mother of four, caring for two sons with special needs. I have a
daughter aged 25, one son age 18, one son age 17, and another son
age 15. My 15 year old was diagnosed with emotional and behavioral
disorders and learning disabilities at the age of 5, and my 18-year-old
son was diagnosed with learning disabilities when he was 7 years
old. Discovering my sons' special needs was very difficult for me
because I felt as if I had done something wrong, that I was a bad
mother. Eventually I realized that my feelings of guilt were not
helping my sons or myself and that I had to move forward.
I attended college
classes, working toward an AA degree. As a student, the demands
of balancing work and family presented many challenges. Being a
student, I had to find appropriate childcare for my children, often
contending with barriers such as affordability and location. Many
of the childcare centers in my area did not accept childcare vouchers.
So my husband and I tried to work out our schedules so that one
of us was home at all times. Sick children presented special challenges,
especially in dealing with professors who were inflexible about
attendance requirements. It didn't matter that my child was sick,
or needed to go to a doctor's appointment, or that the school called
due to my child's behavioral problems.
My husband's
ability to share in caregiving responsibilities was limited by his
own emerging mental health needs. After experiencing several years
of difficulty remaining in paid work, he was diagnosed with bipolar
disorder, and my family life changed dramatically. I realized that
my husband would not be able to maintain steady employment, and
that I would have to find a job. Now, as a full time worker, balancing
work and family life presents unique difficulties. Having two children
on Individualized Education Plans (IEP) requires that I regularly
attend meetings at school. All too frequently, I am asked to attend
meetings during my work hours. The majority of the time, I am met
with inflexibility on the part of the school system in attempting
to negotiate a time to meet that will not interfere with my work
schedule. In addition, I have to meet with my sons' counselors and
psychiatrist regularly. I usually have to contend with the same
inflexibility that I experience with the school system when setting
doctor's appointments. Needless to say, my family members have had
to learn new skills, and we have changed our priorities.
Support systems
are the major way I balance my work and family life. The most important
supports are my family and the people I work with. My family helps
in ways they didn't before I started working. For instance, my husband
cooks dinner now and the kids pick up extra chores. One of my greatest
support systems, however, has been my work. By working for a family
support center, I can rely on coworkers to share ideas and to help
with problems as they arise. I can leave work, or take/make phone
calls as needed. The training I have received, such as locating
support groups for families in our local community and IDEA trainings,
has been an asset in both my work and family life. These trainings
are a great place to learn new ideas and talk with other parents
who have similar experiences. In dealing with the challenges to
work and family, I have learned to take a deep breath and refocus;
then I can decide what is best for my child and how to go about
getting what he needs. When all else fails, I sit back, get a good
night's rest and start again in the morning!
Sharon Linn
Your
thoughts…
Many employed
caregivers of children with emotional or behavioral difficulties
describe challenges similar to those faced by Sharon. In finding
ways to balance their work and family responsibilities, caregivers
use many different strategies, and rely on many sources of support.
We invite you to post your thoughts about the essay, or about the
more general question of what helps-or hinders-caregivers' efforts
to balance the responsibilities of work and family. To find out
more about the Research and Training Center's research in this area,
visit the web
pages of the Common Ground project.
Comments:
 My ten year old son is bipolar and adhd. He has been on medication since age 4. After several doctors and hospitals; and 19 different medications later he is still uncontrollable. WBR LeoP Posted Monday, March 26, 2007 at 04:00 AM
The difficulties that families and schools have in working together is one of the main reasons that parents have trouble finding and keeping jobs when their kids have these kinds of challenges. Positive discipline approaches are a potential win-win for families and schools-- kids do better in school, have fewer disciplinary "incidents" and other disruptions, and learn more, while parents can spend time managing other responsibilities. We need to know more about how to get these approaches into more schools. Posted Friday, June 6, 2003 at 01:51 PM
A little bit of a view from the other side....I am a special education teacher. As the money going into education goes down, everyone's case loads are going up. I try to be flexible in meeting the needs of all my students and their families, but when I arrive at work every morning at 7:30am to prepare for a full days worth of teaching, and 3 parents in one week ask for 7:00pm meetings, that makes for 3, 14 hour days in a week. I work in OR, and I had a case load of 50 students last year. I chose teaching because I love working with kids, and I love my job. But it is still a job...and I have a husband, children and a life as well. I agree with the comment about approaching the school in non-threatening ways is great....we are all sharing the feelings of being overwhelmed and the challenges of the time crunch. Posted Sunday, June 1, 2003 at 01:08 PM
Having "survived" my sons school years, with job intact (although hours cut back in order to manage all the appointments), I am now advocating for a child with Bipolar and his young mother. The knowledge base of school personnel is absolutely crucial in whether a good relationship exists. In the case of the mother whom I am assisting, the school staff with an incredible lack of knowledge has decided the mother is causing the behavior (as with most children with Bipolar, the rages and other behaviors are more prevalent at home at first) and they appear to be intent on punishing her. Even after stating that she was at risk of losing her job because of so many missed work hours due to therapy and school appointments, the school still scheduled an appointment at a time she stated she wouldn't come. Then they said they would do the meeting without her. She had to call the superintendent to get it changed, and even then, it was difficult.
People need to be calling and emailing federal Senators NOW to be sure that IDEA isn't changed, or we will not have due process to turn to in cases like this. Legislators have typically reauthorized IDEA in a bipartisan manner but HR1350 passed and the Senate is now in the process of writing a bill. Posted Tuesday, May 27, 2003 by MN Parent Leadership Network m at 06:53 AM
As researchers investigating child care centers that were able to care for children with emotional or behavioral challenges, we found that parents were accepted as part of a team caring for the children. Staff and parents shared knowledge about the child's needs and challenges, and worked together on strategies to manage difficult behaviors. When family members are not able to find caregivers that are willing partners, extraordinary adjustments in family schedules are required for adults to take on outside employment, such as those made by Sharon and her family. Fortunately, there are initiatives involving health, mental health, and child care providers that are attempting to build more supports for child care workers so that they can become more competent in providing care to children with challenging behaviors, and can provide greater support to working families. Posted Thursday, May 22, 2003 by Eileen Brennan at 09:33 AM
It's great that Sharon gets so much support at work, but working for a family support organization is very different, I susupect, from most other job situations. People at her work are probably much more understanding of her difficulties and flexible in allowing her time off to work things out. Posted Thursday, May 22, 2003 at 08:41 AM
I think having good relationships with the school is crucial in helping to make work "work" when you have a child with emotional or behavioral difficulties. Of course, a large part of this is whether the school people are understanding and also have knowledge about strategies to use to help your child calm down or avoid situations that lead to trouble. Also I have learned that approaching schools in a non-threatening way makes them more willing to listen to me and my child. Posted Tuesday, May 20, 2003 at 12:46 PM
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