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Single Moms Raising Disabled Children: A New Challenge?

A new study by sociologists at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and the University of California, Irvine highlights an important and often overlooked aspect of life for American children with disabilities. Compared to other children, they are significantly more likely to be raised by a single, female caregiver.

According to the University of North Carolina press release, in an examination of the US Census report from 2000, researchers Philip N. Cohen and Miruna Petrescu-Prahova found that among 2.3 million children ages 5-15, “fewer than half (45.8 percent) of the children with disabilities live with a married biological parent, compared to 62.3 percent of children without disabilities.” Furthermore, “about one in four children with disabilities (24.5 percent) are cared for by single mothers, compared to 17.4 percent of children without disabilities. In addition, children with disabilities are more than five times as likely to live with single mothers as with single fathers.”

Given the many challenges that families raising disabled children face, the implications of this study are substantial. Mothers of children with disabilities shoulder a disproportionate share of child-raising responsibility, face challenges in maintaining a work-life balance, and struggle to obtain appropriate levels of institutional, social, and family support. These resource-taxed mothers are also less likely to marry and more likely to divorce than are mothers of other children.

We look forward to your thoughts.

Your thoughts…

Comments:

I have been single mom with 3 disabled kids. What has worked for me, is I prayed for help, and got a wonderful roomate (with 4 kids) and we pooled our resources. Now she stays home with the kids, I go to work, and everyone is a winner. It is important that we continue to think out of the box. Posted Friday, April 11, 2008 at 04:26 AM

Thank you so much for this website it has helped tremendously. I can relate to a little bit of all of your stories. I am a single mother with two children. My oldest is 9 he is autistic and my daughter who is 7 has been diagnosed with just about everything including ADHD, sensory prossessing disorder, opositional defiant disorder, anxiety and recently major depression. My ex-husband isn't involved and has been incarcerated for the past 7 years and will be out and off probations when my son is 18. I know that God will not give me more than I can handle and that is my hope. Between being on welfare, going to school, not being able to keep a job because I am being called to school, the weekly counciling appointments at home and out of town, the leagal issues of protecting my children from my ex-husband family who abused my children on top of their medical issues has been too much. We have a home now and aren't homeless anymore but we live in a town 16 miles away from any town which hurts financially, especially with gas at $3.25 now. It seems that when I take a step in the right direction I take two steps backwards. I do worry that if something ever happened to me what would happen to my children. The stress has been so overwhelming, I don't get much time away from them and counciling and medication for me to cope seems to help a little. I guess I have to remember to keep strong and rely on God. He allowed me to be in this situation for a reason. Maybe I am supposed to share it with you to support you. Posted Tuesday, April 8, 2008 at 07:18 AM

I am a single mother of a child who has a trach and is 24hr vent dependent and the state cant get me nurses. They will get me 8hrs. I will be able to use the 8hrs to sleep and the rest of the time i have to be home with her to take care of her. There is no resources out there for single moms of disabled children who are the breadwinners of the family. They dont have the luxury to trade off with their husband.
I am currently in the process of fighting this. I have sent articles to oprah, and all the news stations...good morning america etc. There has to be something out there for single moms of disabled children.
I have some great ideas.
If you want to join the fight with me
email me at classygrl1983 on aol Posted Saturday, March 29, 2008 by Jamie at 12:24 PM

I also am a single mom, my ex choses
not to be involved with our autistic
13 year old son. I cant keep a job and currently not employed. I live day to day, borrowing money from friends, get a job pay them back and the cycle repeats itself. I dont know what I'm going to do. Know one cares. I'm so tired and feel stuck. My son is failing in school no matter how much I work with him. We belong to the regenional center the assistance is minimal.
We need help!!! Now why does our system help everyone else but not the children who really need it.

MLR Posted Friday, March 14, 2008 at 04:43 PM

I am a single mom of a 9 year old son with spina bifida. Keeping a job has been so hard because everytime I find a great company to work for, my son begins to have serious medical issues. Even when he is doing fine, balancing a work schedule and his many doctor appointments is next to impossible. Where I live in Tulsa, Ok. daycare for 2nd or 3rd shifts for handicapped children is not an option. I have had to rely on state aid and the help of my aging parents. If anyone has any ideas, it would be wonderful. Posted Friday, March 7, 2008 by k71red@yahoo.com at 05:27 PM

I have a 8 year old son with autism. I have him on a gluten and casein free diet. I have not had a regular job in 4 years now because my son need soooo much attention and care. He receives a check and I do odd jobs just so I can can be available for him. The gluten and casein free diet I have him on have gotten so expensive for me that I was thinking about just taking him off of it completely. It seems there is no true help for single moms like us that wants to take care of all our children needs and be there financially for them. Posted Thursday, February 21, 2008 by cheryl smith at 08:57 PM

I'm so glad to have stumbled across this thread ... and remember that I'm not alone, with feeling destitute, exhausted, eviction notices looming, and the daily handling two very high maintenance special needs teenagers. The challenges are so common among us, I don't even need to list them here. There is a virtual pandemic of autism spectrum disorders, to say nothing of behavioral problems, violence, developmental delays, personality disorders, and we as a culture are going to have to make accommodations for the financial and social implications. Whatever your political leanings on the subject of welfare, this new catastrophe, and there's a great deal of collateral damage around it, needs to be a bipartisan issue - the parents absolutely require state assistance for health and child care expenses, and the workforce should be mandated to adapt for their workers' family needs. It simply can't be done without it. And as these children become adults, they're going to represent a tsunami coming through .. needing state provided housing, job training, medical and financial assistance. One in 150 kids? What are we waiting for??? Is anybody paying attention? Posted Friday, February 1, 2008 at 12:40 PM

I'm a single parent of a 17 y old with autism and bi-polar. I cannot work now because he has many dr appts and counselors coming to the house 3 times a week. I had to quit my last job due to he was hospitalized and the employer was cruel and not understanding. I have no support nor income. I'm trying to get medical for myself for I am trying to receive counseling for myself. It is emotionally draining watching my son and his behavioral problems. I find the gov't doesnt' care about many issues we parents face of our special needs kids. Can't receive unemployment or even work right now. What are we suppose to do? How can we care for our kids like this? Posted Friday, February 1, 2008 at 08:30 AM

I am a 40 yo divorced mother of 2 boys. Both my children have had some special needs. My oldest, who is 15, has some visual issues and motor skill problems. My youngest is on the autism spectrum, he is age 9. Both kids are intragrated into public schools and while they receive special ed services they are functioning as part of the general curriculum. It's been a long hual. I have raised them for 10 years alone. There is little support for these families. Many churches most cater to "intact" families and few us as "broken" homes. Having children with special needs especially behavioral and sensory needs as in autism disorders really seal the deal in terms of not receiving help. It's so hard to make friends, find support and get basic needs met. Yes there are subsidies and welfare programs - but welfare programs are targeted at getting Mom into low-paying minimum wage jobs 40 hour week. No family can exist on those wages. Reform is desparately need to allow these mother the opportunity for higher education. Education is the Key OUT OF POVERTY. Welfare does not allow single Mom's the opportunity to pursue a 2-years degree (for example nursing or other healthcareers or teaching) that may lift the family out of poverty. Once working there is no support system for these families. I have faced like many of the others being called away from work for school issues, IEP meeting, and "we cannot handle your child - come and get them". The schools don't care that we are work and have no one else to help. They don't care we will lose our livelihoods. There is no support for these single parents. I have lost jobs due to behavioral difficulties when I tried to work from home- and absentism when working outside the home. Society still sneers adn looks down the nose at single Moms - most who did not ask for these circumstances. I myself was displaced homemaker caring for kids when an ex-spouse ran off with another woman leaving me to fend for my children who were later dxd with special needs alone. There truly needs to be reform here. These caretakers are drowning in financial distress and emotional disterss. The balancing act is tremendous. There is work, school issues, therapies, fiancial burdens. I have gained weight, suffered extreme depression and hopelessness all these years. I pray for an answer. I work full-time, I attend school at night and do the best I can to raise these two boys in a society that simply doesn't care.... I pray one day when I am done with school and have more ability I will be able to lift up and help more families such as mine - but for right now it's all my engery to simply keep above water. There are non-profits and religious organizations who try to help but they do not begin to understand the vast needs of single Mothers raising special needs children on their own... Awareness is needed. Compassion is needed, and reform. Posted Friday, December 21, 2007 at 08:31 AM

I am a 41 year old divorced mother of 2. My 8 year old in autistic and my 5 year old has a seizure disorder. I am a classroom teacher. According to current govt. financial assistance charts, I make to much money to qualify for any help because they take gross income and not net. Who brings home gross? I am in so much financial trouble that I do not know what to do. I get no support from my ex-husband who chooses to not be involved at all. I am drowining in medical expenses and co-pays, even with health insurance. My son needed braces, so I got them even though my dental insurance did not cover braces at all. He took them off 4 times until the dentist said lets take them off. But I am still having to pay for something he does not have to help him. Posted Monday, November 26, 2007 at 01:09 PM

First of all, I am a mother of three seriously special needs children, yes three. I am married, but my husband chose to pursue a job out of town after a while to avoid helping to raise special needs children. Needless to say, the marriage is over. I feel like I've been a single mom from the very beginning. It doesn't seem fair, I have to leave work when the kids are sick or acting up in class. When does the male take on that responsibility. Then again, I probably would not trust him to care of them the same way I do. Moms seem to have more consideration and compassion towards a special situation. Posted Saturday, March 31, 2007 by Brina at 04:20 PM

My favorite go to sleep food is vanilla ice cream with Herseys choc. syrup. Couple that with a Yanni cd softly playing and you have it made. WBR LeoP Posted Thursday, March 15, 2007 at 05:45 AM

Hi, I'm wondering if any of you could tell me good techniques to use with working for families of a child with ADHD? I have a report to complete and need some advice coming from a parent.
Please email me at dtashoff@adelphia.net if possible.
Thanks, Deana Tashoff Posted Monday, November 20, 2006 by Deanna at 01:38 PM

This is an excellent discussion - I'm glad to have found it. As the co-author of the study, it's been amazing to hear all the stories of people who corroborate the findings through their life experiences. This goes way beyond the anonymous data points and statistics we analyzed for the report. This is clearly an crucial issue for many people, more than I realized when we did the study (credit my co-author, Miruna Petrescu-Prahova, a grad student at the time, who had the initial idea to study gender inequality in care work for children with disabilities). I just wanted to thank you for posting these comments, and commend you on your effort raising your children. Posted Sunday, November 19, 2006 by Philip Cohen (pnc@unc.edu) at 05:59 PM

Linda Ranson Jacobs (see above) refers to us as "brave women." I appreciate hearing that today. I am one of the numerous woman who for 10 years has been caring for an emotionally & behaviorally challenged Bright (brilliant IQ) autistic child. I have been so tired and stressed some days that I have had to seek my own therapy to survive. My faith is core coping mechanism too.
I have been divorced for 6 years. I work, go to school and live with an aggressive prone child. I have doctor appointments, dietary issues, adolescent concerns for him, treatment meetings with community support worker and with schools and therapy sessions for him. I try to keep him in an Asperger Syndrome social skills group and daily teach him things we have been learning since five years of age.
I know numerous woman like me. WE dont have family help, they are either embarressed, blame us, dont know what to do or dont live in town. WE do everything we can to work our job hours and ask for good graces when we have to leave because the school doesnt know what to do. Yet, it is our obligation as mom's to care for our children yet our society and its instituions rarely see the assistance we need. We dont like having to bring our personal life to work, but we have no choice. We make little money, many of us dont get child support, and do not have the co parenting even in divorce. Its time for an awareness to our communities that we need folks willing to stay with our children so we can rest have a break and remember what its like to be a adult with another adult. I think there may be men out there that could marry us and join the team to love these angels that deserve chances to grow and change and be productive.
It is lonely, sometimes I cry at night instead of sleep. Its expensive to pay a sitter as well as a challenge to find a sitter that understands how to care for the issues.
We wait months to find out if we qualify for disability only to wish we could do it all without help, then get turned down anyway.
I think the most important thing I have tried to explain to me the mom is I am not super human, and if I dont have such high expectations of myself, I can manage alittle better during the day.
Some days I just want someone to come by and say, Ill cook dinner tonight!
Posted Wednesday, November 15, 2006 at 11:18 AM

I am the mother of two special needs children. My husband recently walked out after the near drowning of our seven year old autistic son. Our son managed to slip out of the house when no one was looking and we found him minutes later in the neighbor's pool. I had to perform CPR until rescue teams could arrive. Thank God, he is fine!! I have applied for public assistance, which I hate to do, but no one seems to be able to help me. The assistance programs in place now are geared toward work not welfare which I am all for, however; I have not been given the secret on how to be in two places at once. Both boys have numerous doctors' appointments, IEPs to negotiate, and of course the usual kid illnesses. I am constantly being called to school as my seven year old has Type I diabetes and a seizure disorder in addition to his autism. No daycare will take responsibility for my children and it would cost more than I can make to provide trained child care. God will have to figure this one out because I can't!! Posted Sunday, October 8, 2006 at 02:17 AM

I am a single mom of three special needs boys my oldest 7 years has Autism as well as one of my 4 year old twins, the other twin has ADHD, he is also being looked at for having bi polor or depression. I have been a single mom for just over a year now. Mind you I have been the main caregiver since the day they were born.

I have found little to no help where I need it, my oldest has a special needs worker which comes 4 hours a day 4 to 5 times a week, but what I really need is to have a break as I have not had one since the day my oldest was born.

I have no family which can help, I am also worried if something were to happen to me as there would be no one for my three kids. I do not want them to get seperated should anyhting happen to me whether it be a hosptal visit or worse.

I am sure this is a fear for many single parents caring for their kids. Posted Monday, October 2, 2006 at 06:59 PM

I have been a facilitator of a support group for families of children with mental health issues. In our group it is quite common for a single mom to be caring for a child with a disability alone. One reason given is the stress it causes in a marriage due to disagreements on how to handle the situation. The other is that the disorders are hereditary in nature and teh dad will not admit to having similar problems and won't get medicated. Posted Monday, September 25, 2006 at 08:07 AM

It always amazes me when studies like this come out and everyone is surprized. I am a single mom of two Bi Polar children and this is what I have been saying as I have been trying to get help for years just to survive. I was not always a single mom, my ex-husband couldn't deal with the stressors of having special needs kids, the biggest being financial. I cannot tell you how many jobs I have lost as a result of constantly being called away from work to handle whatever the crisis was for that day. I thought I finally had come up with a solution when I decided to go to school. I wanted to study and learn all I could about mental illness. I did finish, although my grades suffered due to again constantly being called away, but the thing is I got the degree, and a wonderful job within the mental health system that really understands whenI have to leave, but the problem is as soon as you do accomplish a little self reliance, all your help disappears. It is a constant trade off, between truely caring for my kids, and being able to pay the rent or put food on the table. I don't have all the answers, but I know that for my family we don't fit into the nice neat little boxes that current programs provide, nor will we everif something doesn't change. Posted Wednesday, September 20, 2006 at 10:40 AM

hi...
ok here is my story my girlfriend is a single mom of 2 son thats gona be 3 with speech difficultys and a daughter with ceribralpolisy.. and she cant get daycare to be able to work i try to help as much as i can but i can only do so much so i wanted to ask is there any financiale aid and housing help for them she just gott a 3 day notice beacause she hasnt worked in 4 months she has no family to help her so please if u have some info to help me help her email me at antonmar80 @hotmail.com

thank u Posted Saturday, September 9, 2006 at 12:22 PM

I am a divorced, single mother raising 2 children. My 14 year old daughter has AUTISM, and my son is 8, NO AUTISM.I work, go to college, deal with her violent behavior, cry at night because I'm tired. The only thing keeping me sane is that I believe that God will not give me more than I can handle. Jesus Christ fills the void in my life. I am attractive, and fun to be with but I doubt I will ever have a man in my life again. The stress is entirely too much. I wouldn't expect someone to handle it. I wouldn't be able to handle them if they were stressed out from my daughter. Extra stress that I don't need. Her father has checked out of her life. When she turned 9 years old, he decided that his " new " family was more important. I got tired of begging him to see her or begging him to help me. I have accepted that this is squarely on my shoulders. Sink or swim. I love my children too much to sink. Posted Saturday, September 2, 2006 by Donna Millitello, dm682005@aol at 04:09 PM

Here is a comment on the topic of the two previous postings that I found in Access Today, Spring 2005. This is a publication of the national center on accessibility. My feeling is that since there are studies showing that stress is *even higher* in families with children who have emotional or behavioral disabilities than families whose children have other kinds of disabilities, the liklihood of divorce would be correspondingly higher
"In a marriage relationship that is unstable, the stress of dealing with a child's disability can cause the family system to collapse; on the other hand, in a relationship that is strong and relatively non-stressed, a child's disability may develop increased closeness and strength in the parent's marriage. While there is a general impression that parents who have a child with a disability are more likely to split up than parents of “normal” children, there has been limited research in this area and it is inconclusive.

"Although several studies have documented stress in families of children with disability and stress is often a factor in divorce, none have conclusively linked disability or chronic illness of children to parental divorce. There are different reports concerning divorce rates of parents who have children with disabilities, but most studies agree that there is a high level of marital discord in these families and that divorce or separation is more likely in families of children with more severe and impacting types of disabilities (Hodapp & Krasner, 1995).

"Hodapp and Krasner (1995) found in their study that families of eighth grade students with disabilities in a large, nationwide sample had higher rates of divorce and separation as compared to families of non-disabled children. Singer and Farkas (1989) in a study of the impact of infant disability on maternal stress perceptions found that 85% of their respondents reported that despite problems the family experienced as a result of the disability, their families were closer because of their shared experience
Posted Wednesday, August 30, 2006 at 03:30 PM

Anecdotally, I am convinced that yes, couples who have a child with a disability are much more likely to divorce than other couples. Surely there is research that examines this hypothesis?!? I would also guess that the second part is true as well-- ie that fathers are less likely to be involved post-divorce if a child has a disability. Posted Wednesday, August 30, 2006 at 03:20 PM

This is a really interesting report. Is the subtext that parents who have children with disabilities are more likely to divorce and that fathers are less likely to be involved when their children have disabilities?

If we had funds to (1) provide services; (2) conduct research; (3) conduct outcome evaluations of programs, what would the priorities be?

I look forward to hearing responses. Great discussion topic!! Posted Wednesday, August 9, 2006 at 01:06 PM

Regarding single moms raising children
with disabilities, I have found this to be true.
For years i owned a child care in Oklahoma.
My child care was part of the "Models of
Inclusion" research by Dr. Brennen and PSU
team.

Now I'm in NC and have put together a
program for churches to use with the
children of parents experiencing a divorce.
Immediately after the DivorceCare for Kids
curriculum was released in 2004, the calls
started coming in about how to handle the
children with challenging behaviors and
diagnosed behavior disorders as well as a
few disabled children. The majority of these
parents are single moms. They don't have a
clue how to help their children.

The church leaders are also clueless.
Mainly the clergy just wants to ask these
kids to leave their groups. My DC4K leaders
have a passion to help these children so the
emails began flooding my email box asking
for help. It has been amamzing the changes
we see in these kids once the person
working with them understands some of the
issues. Also the kids are finding there are
other kids like them which in itself helps
dispel the loneliness so many of these kids
feel.

These moms are beat down. For the most
part they have no support system in place.
Regarding the child with the challenging
behaviors, the school adds to the situation
by, for the most part, sending them home
when they get out of control. I watched
several moms loose their jobs because of
the children's out of control behaviors and
suspension from school.

Something needs to happen. Not sure what.
Maybe more funding to train teacers, child
care workers, etc. More financial help for
these single moms. Reduce the hassle
when they are trying to get additional
support and financial assistance. It took one
of my single moms months to get additional
child care support for her child. I ended up
allowing her to trade off work for caring for
her child until the additional assistance
came through. And this only because she
was a proud mom and didn't want any "hand
outs".

Child care workers desperately need some
help in accommodating some of these
children. In OK for a while we were able to
do a pilot program of sending mental health
counselors into the child care facilities. I
believe that program is no longer in place.
Even help understanding physical
limitations is needed. The autistic child gets
lost in the child care. Special training is
needed in this area. If 80 percent of all
marriages with autistic children end in
divorce (From ABC Good Morning America
show 8/8/06) then you can just about bet the
parent left to care for that autisitc child is
going to be the mom.

I was a single mom for years. I struggled
with two kids that were not disabled. I can't
imagine the life these women are expected
to lead. Where is the energy just to get up
and work an 8 hour day so they can feed
and clothe their kids? And you can forget
about every finding a marriage partner that
is going to understand. In my child care
years I watched men enter the scene only to
leave because they couldn't handle the
stress and the day to day living with these
kids. When a mom did marry, the marriage
usually didn't survive more than a couple of
years if that long.

In our DC4K groups around the country we
are accommodating many of these children.
The parent usually attends the adult
DivorceCare class. At least they can begin
to understand all the feelings they are
experiencing as an adult going through
divorce. This in itself helps the single mom
continue to parent her kids. But we need
more.

Please, please let's find a way to get some
support, financial as well as emotional
support for these brave women.

Linda Ranson Jacobs
www.dc4k.org


Posted Tuesday, August 8, 2006 at 01:42 PM

My own experience is that, if anything, the percentage of children with severe mental health or emotional difficulties being raised by single moms is far higher than the 24% given in the article. I would guess more like a half, with probably another 20% being raised by a different single female relative like a grandmother. Posted Tuesday, August 8, 2006 at 01:32 PM

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